There are many things I don’t believe in. I’m talking about all those things you can’t touch with your hands or see with your eyes.
I don’t believe there’s anyone up there, a spirit or entity, whatever you want to call it, that watches over us.
I don’t believe in destiny, fate or the inevitable.
I don’t believe in bad luck or chance.
I don’t believe in hope or in dreams.
I don’t believe that we all have a soul mate out there, or the big one that completes you and makes you feel indestructible.
I believe that man makes his own destiny and that his life is fruit of the decisions he makes, and that no one else is able to interfere in that process or can make the decision for you, and thereby bring on some kind of tragedy into your life or someone else’s.
You decide to take a certain action, you decide to take on whatever responsibilities you will, you decide if you will stay in a relationship.
External influences do not exist. It’s you alone who plays your hand and if you’ve got a shitty hand, you’re the one to blame for it. You’re probably not a very good card player.
Rain’s accident wasn’t fated, it was because of a bad driver who was also drunk.
The end of our career wasn’t bad luck but was the direct result of the accident, which led us to all re-examine our lives and roll up our sleeves and get on with things.
Alex’s illness is a genetic condition; it’s science, for God’s sake, not some thing that happened by chance.
The fact that Patrick is a shithead? Straight up fact. There’s no need to really dig deep into it.
Our life here at Howth, this pub, this house. All of it is borne of careful consideration before taking decisions.
There will always be problems, you just have to find a solution for them. And we have.
Being concrete and resolute. That’s all there is to it.
Love? Sentiments? It’s a bunch of smoke in your eyes, just something to trip you up, make mistakes, to drag you down into something unexplainable with the only guarantee being that it will mix up your mind and your ideas.
Ties that bind which last a lifetime, whether they are through blood or friendship, those are things that I’m able to put my finger on.
Family is the most important thing in the world. People that you can share everything with, people who are beside you and who you can always count on. People who are a part of you.
My family is a bit atypical and decidedly too large, but is the only thing that matters. The peace, the harmony.
It’s true that there are factors within it that go beyond my ability to comprehend, but I have accepted them. It’s their choice, not mine but I respect it.
My sister Rain is in love with Liam and luckily for him, it’s reciprocal. Jay and Alex are a couple, Patrick and Erin are about to get married and have already started their family with little Lily.
I don’t judge their way of life, they’ve decided to put their faith in something dark and uncertain—that’s their business, not mine.
I keep out of it, watching from a distance and making sure that nobody gets into trouble forcing me to intervene. When love is involved, everything becomes precarious, unstable and you lose all rationality.
It’s not for me.
Maybe it was different when I was younger, I was immature and life still hadn’t dealt me its toughest blows. Growing up I learned in a hurry that showing your feelings doesn’t pay—quite the contrary, it destroys you. From that time, I’ve become more rational and cautious. Anyway, I had to be like that, I didn’t have a choice.
My parents died when Rain and I were just kids. First my mom, from a disease. Degeneration of the body, that’s a scientific process. Dad died in a car accident just a year later. Some idiot high on drugs ran him over as he was using the pedestrian crossing. His death was the consequence of an action.
Rain was seventeen years old and was in her last year at school. I had finished my education a few years before that and was working hard to get along, keep her in school and not lose the house.
Then, there was the music.
There are those who say you need to be in the right place at the right time and that’s how it happened for us. We worked hard and put ourselves out there and reacted positively when all those doors shut in our faces until one day someone recognized our talent.
Everything has an explanation and its own logic.
Even if I was at the top of my class at school, I’m no super intellectual and even if I don’t use a lot of five-euro words, I am able to tell the difference between what’s rational and what isn’t.
That’s how I live.
And that’s how I’m going to live.
Lost Days, Four Days #4
© 2018 A. S. Kelly